How many parents of teenagers are not nearly bald from pulling their hair out?
GOT MY HAND IN THE AIR AND I'M WAVING BYE
If I don't talk to you again before September 10, So Long, Good bye, Nice knowing you, God bless your soul. On September 10th, we may all be sucked into a black hole and sent to oblivion.
On September 10th, high-energy beams of protons will begin circulating when they fire up the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) a 27-kilometer (16.8-mile) accelerator ring located 100 meters (328 feet) underground at CERN, the European particle physics lab based in Geneva, Switzerland. The protons will collide so they can break them into millions of tiny who knows whats. Some scientist believe it could create a black hole. Others say "don't worry", it will have the same effect of taking a cup of water out of the Atlantic Ocean. If they are wrong, there will no one around to hear them say, OOPS.
GOOD NEWS ON GLOBAL DISAPPEARING
"Nothing will happen for at least four years," retired German physicist Otto Rossler claims. "Then someone will spot a light ray coming out of the Indian Ocean during the night and no one will be able to explain it."
Does this mean the earth won't be vaporized? It will just be turned into swiss cheese?
CAN SARAH PALIN LEAD?
That is the question being harped by the chorus of nattering nabobs. She must be pretty smart. Her amazing meteoric rise from PTA mom to governor of Alaska required her to outwit a bunch of entrenched crafty old bastards by getting the citizens behind her.
MRBADIDEAS.COM READ ALL AROUND THE WORLD AND CANADA
Is this like a CAT BLOG?
A CAT BLOG is one where you write about you and your cat, and nobody but you and your cat would be interested in reading it. And your cat can�t read.
I don't have a cat.
I'M NOT LISTENING LA LA LA LA LA LA LA
We all like to think that we have made a good decision or what we believe is absolutely right.
What we sometimes do is to cherry pick information that supports our decision or belief, ignoring anything that suggests we might be wrong.
I was reading Rabbi Daniel Lapin's newsletter. I am not Jewish, but I read it because he has very wise things to say. Rabbi Lapin gives an example:
"Before buying a new car, most people scrutinize all car ads, seeking out lots of available information on the wide range of choices. But after they have made their purchase they only read advertisements about the brand of car they have bought. The last thing the new owner wants to find out is that he might have bought a better car at a lower price. Once the decision has been made, we tend to avoid information that suggests we might have made a mistake.
We protect our self esteem by welcoming information that supports our actions and avoiding that which makes us uncomfortable. That is why smokers rarely read medical articles about the health risks of smoking."
SHUT UP AND SING
I was watching an interview with famous A & R man John Koladner. An A & R man works for record companies finding new talent, acts as the middle man with the artists and listens to their albums to spot the hit singles. He has been one of the record industries most successful A & R men helping artists like Aerosmith, Journey, Bon Jovi, Madonna, Cher, Madonna.
Koladner said that most music artists are selfish and only care about themselves. He said thay hate A & R men because they are the only people in their life who will criticize them and tell them no.
Some people think natural disasters are caused by god punishing them. A hurricane, or earthquake or flood (with you living on the river bank) was going to come through wherever it came through whether you were there are not. It is up to you to not be there.
THANK YA LORD FOR ALL THE FREE STUFF
The mayor of New Orleans raised the price of looting during Hurricane Gustav. He announced that if you get caught looting you will go direct to the general population at Angola State Prison.
Three years ago,
the lady on the news seemed shocked that people would be looting after Hurricane Katrina clobbered New Orleans.
It always happens during a riot, a blackout or a natural disaster. The cost for stealing goes down because the police are occupied and you are less likely to get caught. Normally law abiding citizens will, also, be tempted to join the crowd helping themselves if the price for plunder is near zero.
Some people rationalize that god created the havoc for their benefit.
The price of looting has gone up in recent years. With television crews rushing to every disaster, and cell phone photography, if you are unlucky enough, their cameras may document your looting, so you can be identified, later.
THE HAMBURGER PORNO PAGE
The HAMBURGER PORNO page has become a huge smash. See the pictures that will make some drool and some sick.
Just Added: The Crunchburger. A hamburger covered in potato chips.
THE YAPPY MEAL
I was reading an Advertising Age article that suggested dog meals at the drive-thru window. I started wondering how many people buy their dogs a hamburger at fast food restaurants? The writer posed a conscientious owner dog snack of a bottle of water, a package of dog food and a dog treat. Any Dog Spoiler knows they want a hamburger. I had an Australian Shepherd named Rascal and his number one favorite thing in the world was riding in the car. His dream YAPPY MEAL would have been a small plain hamburger and a cup of ice. He loved crushed ice from Sonic Drive-in which is almost like a snow cone. He would sit in the back seat and eat the ice so fast he would get Brain Freeze.
ENJOY YOUR RAW-B-Q
Maybe I have missed it. I am sure some nag has shown up on TV to tell me I shouldn't fire up the outdoor grill and cook meat with a stampeding global foot print. I also missed the co-nag telling me everything I intend to eat is bad.
CLEAN THIS MESS UP. I'M NOT YOUR MOTHER
It is Convention Time. Most decisions will be made not on the floor but in the back rooms.
In the past, they would have been made in smoke filled rooms. Things will now have to be decided in a legally mandated smoke-free room.
Maybe, the term for the shenanigan laden decision site can be updated to Starbuck's cup filled room or Big Gulp cup filled room. The room must be filled with something.
GO HOME? I AM HOME
The buzzword this year from presidential candidates is CHANGE. President's don't change much. If you want to make a change, get rid of every single member of Congress and ban them being within 100 miles of Washington DC.
Have you noticed that when congressmen and senators leave office they don't move back home. They couldn't bear to leave the goldmine.
Virginia and Maryland have 500 representatives and the rest of us are left out. They don't have to worry about what the folks back home want until the next election. Officially Washington DC has no representatives, but Georgetown mansions are loaded with them. They got National (Reagan) airport closed down after 10 PM so the jets won't disturb them.
We should have a lottery instead of an election to pick congressmen. Randomly picking them would give us a lot fewer lawyers and ego maniacs and more people that aren't in sombody's pocket. After their term, they go home.
People that believe in government conspiracies give the government far too much credit of being capable of running anything. The only government conspiracy has the initials C.Y.A.
NEW!! The answer to the eternal question- What do you wanna eat?
The Summer Olympics is finally over. It is only a year and half until the Winter Olympics. I can't wait. I am Cuckoo for Curling.
DO I MAKE YOU RANDY?
There are reports that with all the athletic young bodies peacocking around and females with an extra jolt of testosterone coursing through their veins, the Olympic Village is a Sexateria. When the athletes aren't competing, they have love on their minds.
TIMES HAVE CHANGED
If you ask a stranger if they can give you the time, they will probably think you are a homeless panhandler. They know that you don't have a cell phone.
MY LATEST MOVIE PLOT IDEA
A President of the United States mysteriously dies.
His vice-president was his bitter rival in the primaries who he reluctantly chose as a running mate. He was the only thing standing between her and her life long obsessive dream.
She dies suddenly. The Speaker of the House becomes the president. A woman that pictures herself as the Queen Bee.
The family of a dictator's food taster are suing because he wasn't properly informed that he might be poisoned.
GONE WITH THE WIND
The latest craze for nutty politicians is windmills. New York City's mayor Bloomberg is talking about putting wind mills on the top of the skyscrapers and bridges. This idea will be DOA after all the complaints of wind mills ruining million dollar views by green hypocrites.
Government meddlers can't seem to get their stuff together for the Freedom Towers to be built to replace the World Trade Center. Perhaps, they should put up 1776 foot tall pinwheels instead.
When the fad dies out, in fifty years will the United States be the home of miles and miles of dilapidated abandoned rusty wind farms?
UPDATE: The windmills on bridges and skyscraper idea lasted only one day. Time for another idea. They could round up the 8 million rats in New York City and put them to work on squirrel cages (hamster wheels) making electricity.
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AMERICAN CHEESE AND WHITE AMERICAN CHEESE?
It is the exact same cheese except for the color. Most people prefer the yellow color, a few like the white.
I think red M & M's taste best, too.
A NEW KIND OF PICKUP LINE?
One of my twin daughters (I have 3 children- Butch, Spike and Rocko) just moved back to New York City. She was walking down the street and was approached by a prosperous looking well dressed man. He was quite a bit older than her and claimed to be famous.
He complimented her by telling her how beautiful she was from the top of her head to the tip of her toes. He made several other observations about the beauty of her feet?
He asked her if he could take her to dinner. She politely declined. He then offered to buy her a pair of new shoes at Manolo Blahnik. I somehow know Carrie on Sex and the City is crazy about them, and they run over $700 a pair. She declined. Her friends told her she should have taken him up on it, then returned them for a refund.
I wonder if this is a pick up line that works, or just an overenthusiastic interest in feet. I have read that even in this down economy, women that buy designer shoes are not economizing on them. If they have a choice between paying the mortgage and buying designer shoes, they will be moving into a van down by the river.
Women choose shoes to impress other women. I don't think I have ever paid much attention to a woman's shoes. I guess I might notice if she was wearing combat boots.
WHO WAS DUMBER? THE SHOW, HER OR ME FOR WATCHING?
I think I saw the scraping of the bottom for reality television. FCC Commissioner Newton Minnow said over 40 years ago that television was a "vast wasteland". Little did he know what the future would bring. On the show- WANNA BET, they had a 20 year old girl that spends $20,000 a year with her daddy's credit card buying designer shoes. Her talent was distinguishing which designer's shoes they put on her feet while blind folded.
PLEASE SIR, COULD I HAVE SOME MORE?
If you ate the same diet as Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps, you would gain over 70 pounds in a month. In a year, you would be one of those guys they have to extract from their house with a crane.
RENEWABLE SUSTAINABLE ENERGY AND WHATEVER BUZZ WORDS
Wind Power and Solar Power is all the current rage for alternative energy. I have another. Put generators on stationary exercise bikes to create electricity. You will not only get exercise but will be doing your part to save the planet. Like the wind not blowing and the sun not shining it has a draw back. We could have brown outs and black outs if not enough people felt like it that day.
If Al Gore gets caught smoking up the place with his Bar-b-q pit he will just tell us it is O.K., he offset it with the bogus carbon credits he bought (from himself).
TWO AMERICAS?
John Edwards was right. There are two Americas. One that cheats on their spouse and one that doesn't. Recent revelations that he was cheating on his terminally ill wife while running for president, shows he must have some brass ones. He wants us to believe it was a mistake. If you do it once it may be a mistake. An ongoing thing where you put the woman on your payroll is called something different.
We can expect professional spin doctors to soon be trotted out to talk us out of our common decency: "He may be a man of the people, but he is still a man." He couldn't stop himself from lying. He was a lawyer.
I AM SPARTACUS
John Edwards claim the love child is not his and the claim by his patsy Andrew Young that the baby is his are not flying. Edwards says he will take a DNA test, but gets cover from the baby mama who won't allow it. Young's mother wants a DNA test.
Edwards may have to enlist a new army of men to claim the baby is theirs. "I am Love Lips." "No, I am Love Lips."
WHEN THE CHIPS ARE DOWN
It is a good thing John Edwards wasn't and will not be president. We now know that if there was a crisis he would be hiding in the bathroom.
IT'S JUST SEX
The talking heads trotted out to talk us out of good sense claim that political sex scandals are no big deal. Everyone cheats and everyone lies about sex. If this is true, every candidate should be required to introduce their girlfriend, mistress, goomah, or homosexual lover to the public so there is no surprise.
A $400 Haircut on a 10 cent head.
LET THEM EAT CAKE
They didn't vote on offshore drilling. Nancy Pelosi didn't want to delay the five week Congress vacation. She showed little concern with what people wanted. She needed to get out of town to go on a book tour to hawk her book nobody is buying.
There are 500 million Twinkies made each year. Chicago is number one in per capita Twinkie consumption. There are, also, 1800 hot dog stands in Chicago.
NANCY PELOSI WON'T ALLOW A VOTE ON DRILLING FOR MORE OIL HER TELEPHONE NUMBER IS 202-225-0100
At one time, the horse and buggy, the railroad, and IBM mainframe computers were the be all and end all and automobiles, airplanes and personal computers were only in the hands of tinkering crackpots.
Right now, oil is the be all and we will have to make adjustments based on oil production and usage for the immediate. Everything else is still in crackpotland. One day, some of the crackpots will put petroleum out of business. No one knows which ones until the free market decides. It will happen, but we can't base our immediate plans on it.
The free market is the best way to decide what is most worthwhile because everyone gets a vote with their money. It is not opinion when you have to put your money where your mouth is.
CANDIDATE OF CHANGE (HIGH TAXES) AND WISHFUL THINKING
Obama wants to argue that we don't have to drill for more oil. Instead we can keep our tires aired up. An individual can use less gas by keeping his tires properly inflated, but that is no policy. You can get few people to do things voluntarily. This can open up a whole new can of unintended consequences.
The government would have to enforce properly inflated tires. The police could have road blocks and Air Traps to check tire pressure. Local governments would get another cash cow writing easy tickets while speeders and desperados whiz by. The Air Police could go down the street checking tires and knocking on doors. The government could outlaw gas stations charging for air. More likely, they would confiscate the money as Air Tax? The government could mandate every gas station employ a Tire Checking flunky. Would they make illegal aliens keep their tires inflated? They can't seem to make them do anything else. Who else besides government officials would be exempt? Like a safety inspection sticker, they could require air inspection stickers. How often? Weekly? Bi-weekly? Monthly? Bi-Monthly?
A policy of wishful thinking, besides proper tire inflation, too some would include hand holding, chanting, drum beating or getting naked. Too many people believe symbolism solves problems.
WOULD ANY OTHER NAME SMELL AS SWEET?
BORIS KARLOFF's real name was William Henry Pratt. He never legally changed it and signed all papers with his real name. He was known as a kid as Billy Pratt.
CARNIES NEEDED TO WORK AT THE AIRPORT
Jet Blue is going to charge $7 for a pillow. US Air is going to charge for water. All the airlines are starting to charge for extra bags. What's next?
After checking in at the airport, will the airlines soon require you to be strapped into a Rosie O'Donnell like contraption that turns you upside down so they can shake all the change out of your pocket?
Slapping "earth friendly" or "green" on the packaging of a product has replaced "new and improved" or "fat-free" as the way to sucker you into buying it.
DON'T MISS OUT. OUR PRICES ARE INSANE!!?
It is once again time for the state government's idea for buying votes.
Every August, many states have a SALES TAX FREE DAY for school supplies instead of lowering sales tax rates. People jam the stores and load up. They get interviewed for television while standing in the check out line. If the stores ran an ad announcing everything 8% off today, nobody would bother.
DESTRUCTO MARKETING
Ruby Tuesday's latest marketing gimmick is their plan to blow up an old style Ruby Tuesday's and broadcast it live on the internet. They will, also, introduce their revamped menu.
This reminds of something MADMAN MUNTZ would have done. In the 1940s, he ran over 170 commercials a day on Los Angeles radio stations for his car lot. He would advertise a car as the SPECIAL OF THE DAY. He said that the car had to be sold that day. If the car was not sold, Madman Muntz vowed to smash it to bits with a sledgehammer!
Ruby Tuesday's blew up their restaurant but they really just used movie special effects and blew up a miniature.
DRILL! DRILL! DRILL!
One of the biggest arguments opponents to Off Shore Drilling use is it will ruin the view and tourism in Florida and California. That is easy to solve. Hire someone like Disney to make the oil platforms look like Pirate Ships, Sea Monsters or even Bali Hai. You will get more oil and enhance the tourist's vacation experience.
SAFEST PLACE TO LIVE
Los Angeles just had an earthquake that made them wonder about "the Big One". We are in the middle of hurricane season. There have been natural disasters everywhere. Where can you move?
A professor figured out where the safest places to live in the United States are. Among the top three is Roswell, New Mexico.
He looked to see where you were least likely to be hit by a hurricane, tornado, earthquake, mudslide or forest fire. He ruled out places where you could freeze to death in a blizzard or die prostrate from extreme heat and humidity.
Apparently he didn't take into consideration the angry aliens who will disintegrate Roswell when they come looking for their spaceship that crashed there in 1947 and can't find it.
THE PUNCTUATION NAZI
There are few things that cause as much dread as a stickler for the English language reading something you have written. Who wants to be ripped apart? There is a million selling book called
Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation
that urges serve penalties.
For example,
you better use its and it's correctly.
Getting your itses mixed up is the greatest solecism in the world of punctuation. No matter that you have a PhD and have read all of Henry James twice. If you still persist in writing, "Good food at it's best" you deserve to be struck by lightning, hacked up on the spot and buried in an unmarked grave.
OBAMA MIGHT NEED DIRECTIONS TO THE SENATE REST ROOM
Barack Obama made another gaffe when he claimed credit for a bill that went through the Senate Banking committee he said he was on. The trouble is he isn't on that committee. He can't be faulted. He has spent so little time working in the Senate since being elected Senator, he probably has no idea which committees he is on.
All cult leaders and dictators come to power by promising: Follow me and I will take care of you.
CORNERING THE DROOL MARKET
Everyone has heard the expression "licking your wounds" and have noticed animals licking theirs . It works. Scientists in the Netherlands have discovered that the protein histatin in saliva actually promotes faster healing. They plan to make a drug thus turning something free into something expensive. Where is my drool bucket.
If you get a paper cut while sealing an envelope you're killing two birds with one stone.
LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH AND SPITEFUL
If you ask someone to name a hotel in New York City, most would immediately answer- The Waldorf-Astoria. The Waldorf=Astoria was built because of an Astor family feud. The Astors acquired their fortune buying up most of the land on Manhattan Island. They were known as "the Landlords of New York."
Caroline Astor was the wife of the grandson of John Jacob Astor, the founder of the family fortune. Caroline was the grand dame of New York City society.
She is famous for hosting extravagant Balls limiting the guest list to 400 from old money New York City families. She started the closed society to keep her daughters away from newly rich uncouth ruffians. Some would go out of town the weekend of the Balls to avoid the embarrassment of not being on the list.
Caroline Astor insisted on being called "the Mrs. Astor". This upset her nephew who complained his wife was a Mrs. Astor, too. To hack her off he built a huge hotel, The Waldorf, next to her house. Caroline's son threated to build a stable right next to the hotel to treat his cousin's guests to the fumes. He thought better of it, moved his mother to a bigger house and built another hotel next door to the Waldorf. He built it taller so the Astoria would cast shadows on the Waldorf. Business is business and they eventually built a corridor called Peacock Alley connecting the two hotels.
The hotel was later moved to its current location and the land of the original became the site for the Empire State Building.
SPEAKING OF SPITE
A SPITE HOUSE is a house built for the sole reason of getting revenge. Many were built during the 1800s by folks rich enough and mean enough. Some are still standing. They tend to be very narrow, 6 or 7 feet wide and were built on some kind of disputed land.
They were built because of a fight between neighbors, families, someone and a church, to stop shortcuts through adjacent alleys, and to stop roads from being built.
Some Spite houses you can still stop by to see: The Skinny House in Boston, Hollensbury Spite House in Alexandria, Virginia, Tyler Spite House (now a bed and breakfast) Frederic, Maryland, and Edleston Spite House in Gainford, England.
The SKINNY HOUSE was built in the 1870's. Two brothers inherited land from their father. They didn't bother to divide the property, and while one brother was away in the military, the other brother built a large house on it. When the traveling brother returned home,he saw what his brother had done and out of spite built a small house on the land that was left. It measures 6.2 to just over 10 feet wide plus it blocked his brother's nice view.
THE NEW SANDWICH AT MCDONALD'S, NOT
The Raw Herring Sandwich with onions and pickles. The National Dish of the Netherlands.
YOU CAN QUOTE ME
I just added a new page with a compilation of brilliance. It is a collection of assorted quotes from mrbadideas.com. Maybe, you can find one you can sell to the READER'S DIGEST.
I just signed up for TWITTER. Twitter is a service where you let everyone know "what am I doing". Currently I am sitting in a chair typing. If you would like to be an INSIDER and know before anyone else when I have added more brilliance to this page and what I am working on you sign up for TWITTER and following me at www.twitter.com/mrbadideas_com.
This seems perfect for everyone that never does anything that anyone would be interested in knowing about that insist on telling you all about it. In every detail.
ONE MILLION BAGS LOST BY AIRLINES EACH MONTH
If the airline loses your luggage forever they will not reimburse you for some premium items. Don't pack antlers in your suitcase because if they lose it you are out of luck. The airlines pay a flat $9.07 a pound for luggage never returned to its owner up to $640.00.
Do you know where all lost airline luggage goes? There is a magical special place and you can go there and buy other people's stuff for a bargain. Their loss is your gain.
For those with a compulsion to look in your hosts' medicine cabinet, you can go there just to touch other people's stuff.
A travel expert claims the best thing to eat at an airport is a corn dog.
NYAH NYAH YOU CAN'T TOUCH ME
Senator Chuck Schumer irresponsibly shot off his mouth and helped cause a run on the bank in California costing depositors billions of dollars. He can't be sued. No one in Congress can be sued. You can do the equivalent of yelling fire in a crowded theater. You can slander and libel anyone you want. Let me get this straight. Libel is when you write it, slander is when you say it.
When you are in Congress you can get away with all kinds of chicanery and depravity. A few years back, they stopped allowing them to write bad checks and launder money at the Capitol Hill post office after the public found out. You can sexually harass pages and interns. Pages can run a prostitution ring from your apartment. You can make a waitress sandwich.
How bad do you have to be to get kicked out? No wonder we can't get anybody to leave.
After watching C-SPAN, I wonder who in the world elected these people. Some don't seem to be able to walk and chew gum.
HEY, WHERE ARE ALL THE MOON MAIDENS?
July 20, 1969, the day that Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin landed on the moon but failed to bring back any green cheese or moon maidens. Or did they?
The approval rating for congress has sunk to 9%. The margin between their approval rating and zero is the people that don't know anything and don't have an opinion that answer the pollsters: "Ummm. I guess they're all right."
LOOSE LIPS SINK SHIPS
Jesse Jackson recently exposed how he really thinks and how he really is when an open microphone caught him saying he was going to cut Barack Obama's "nuts" off.
This reminded me of the Uncle Don story. Uncle Don had a wildly popular children's story radio program in New York City from the late 1920s to the 1940s. He made a slip that he denied ever happened until his dying day. There is no recording of it and there is a 75 year old controversy over whether it ever happened. Most people only remember his name because of it.
After Uncle Don said his Goodbyes at the end of his program, the engineer forgot to shut off his microphone. He reportedly said "There, that ought to hold the little bastards."
I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL
July 11th was the 204th anniversary of the duel between the Vice-President of the United States Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton. Burr delivered a mortal shot and Hamilton died the next day. The duel was held in New Jersey because New York had passed the death penalty for dueling. After the duel, Burr fled to his daughter's home in North Carolina. He was charged but never tried and eventually headed back to finish out his term as vice president.
Congressmen never want to leave office and term limits never makes it into law. Perhaps, dueling should be brought back to solve the problem.
WHO WOULD EVER NEED THIS JUNK?
In the middle to late 1800s, before the automobile, oil was refined and used mostly as kerosene. Gasoline was considered the waste from the oil and was dumped in the river.
HIS DADDY MADE HIM MEAN AS A SNAKE
One of Cornelius Vanderbilt's favorite terms for his son, William, who he deemed shiftless, was BLATHERSKITE.
A blatherskite is a foolish babbling person.
The dictionary says the Middle English skite means diarrhea and in Old Norse it is something even worse. Cornelius also called him a blockhead, sucker and good for nothing. This sounds like child abuse.
Cornelius is the #10 richest man (adjusted to today) that ever lived. William is #4. William inherited all of his daddy's money while his brother's were disowned. Cornelius thought William was the only one ruthless enough to keep his amassed wealth intact.
WRISTWATCH MAKERS ARE THE NEW BUGGY WHIP FACTORY
Wristwatch makers are facing doom. Studies show that young punks no longer look to their wrists for the time. They check one of their electronic devices.
I demand the
government step in to protect the wrist watch industry. They should regulate all electronic clocks on portable devices and require them to run fast or slow.
Tom Bodette is on Al Gore's hit list for
leaving the lights on at Motel 6.
SMARTEST MARKETING GIMMICK EVER
Over 30,000 people showed up to watch the July 4th Hot Dog Eating Contest at Nathan's in Coney Island. This year, after a tie in regulation that resulted in a five dog eat off with Joey Chestnut retaining his crown, the crowd descended on Nathan's to eat hot dogs. Lines were long and the orders large. They did not each buy a couple of hot dogs to eat politely. The crowd was jacked up to eat like hogs to prove how many hot dogs they could stuff down their throat. They for a few minutes were all Joey Chestnut or the skinny Japanese guy.
GET READY FOR A WATERMELON SHORTAGE
A researcher recently claimed a substance in watermelon rind is a natural Viagra. Watermelon contains cetrulline which relaxes and dilates the blood vessels, and promotes the production of Nitric Oxide. Nitric Oxide is what you naturally need and Viagra chemically creates.
There may be melees over the last slice of watermelon at the July 4th picnic. If you load up on watermelon you may solve one problem and create another. Romance is difficult when you constantly need to run to the bathroom.
AMERICANS RUNNING FOR THE BORDER
Mexican officials have held gasoline prices to about half the price in the United States, so American motorists are flocking across the border for a deal. Ever heard of a deal to good to be true?
Buying gasoline in Mexico is one big shakedown. 85% of the gas pumps are rigged to pump less than the meter says. All of the gas stations are Pemex franchises and Pemex sets the price, so there is no competition. Gas station owners don't post prices and have been known to water down the gas.
Environmental standards aren't as strict in Mexico, so too many fill-ups can damage catalytic converters and engines.
Gas station attendants dressed in Pemex uniforms are not paid employees. They wrangle for tips, short change and quick change customers that are not paying attention.
YANKEE GO HOME
Some drivers are installing 80 gallon gas tanks on their trucks and SUVs then heading across the border to load up on cheap Mexican gas. Gas sales in Tijuana have gone up 25%. This is causing a gas shortage with long lines. Some stations are running out of gas and closing up. Some gas station owners have started refusing to sell gas to Americans.
EXPERT PREDICTS $1000 BARREL OIL
An expert predicts $1000 per barrel oil by the year 3000. I am the expert. I decided to become an expert because experts appear on television and are quoted in the media all the time and no one checks out their credentials.
Most people never read past the headline and believe it as gospel.
I have followed the basic rules for perfect expertdom. I made a claim that will shake everyone up and I placed it so far in the future everyone will be too dead to see if it comes true.
SOMEWHERE IN THE WORLD THEY STILL THINK WE WON
If you go to a third world country and notice people wearing Championship t-shirts or hats from a United States team, the other team won. The screen printers print up a bunch of CHAMPIONS stuff for both teams involved in a Championship game so they will be ready for sale as soon as the game is over. They have to do something to get rid of the loser stuff they printed. So, they ship it off to countries where they don't care who won. Somewhere, they will soon think the LA Lakers just won the NBA.
In Nicaragua, The New England Patriots won the SUPER BOWL and ended the season 19-0
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY. WATCH SOME BASTARD LOUSE IT UP.
There is a new movement called
Shopdropping. Shopdropping is the reverse of shop lifting- you put things on the store shelf instead of stealing from it. If a shopdropper is caught, police are puzzled as to what to charge them with.
Most shopdroppers are mush heads who believe it is their moral imperative to fight consumerism and make people get their mind right. Some do it to promote themselves and get free advertising. Either way they have contributed more Spam to life.
They didn't have a name for it, but putting poisoned Tylenol on the shelf was shopdropping, too.
Sales of SPAM (or Pork Mystery Meat) are way up. When the economy slips, many people think they are economizing by buying it. SPAM costs more per pound than ground meat.
SINK WATER, THE VERSATILE BEVERAGE
When I was a kid, I loved the different tastes of water when we would go out of town. I asked my father- "Why don't they sell water in bottles at the store?" The answer was "No one would buy it." I was ahead of my time. If I had started water entrepreneurship as a 9 year old, I would have spent many years on the brink of financial ruin, but would now be a billionaire.
Rising gas prices and worries about the economy are leading
people back to sink water. If you drink 64 oz (the prescribed eight 8 oz glasses a day) and buy bargain bottled water it costs you over $400 a year. If you drink sink water it only costs you 50 cents a year.
Stay hydrated.
Don't invite anyone into your house. You won't have to bother cleaning it and you won't be embarrassed.
SAVE NOW PAY LATER
There is speculation that rising gas prices will result in a baby boom. Folks are canceling plans to go out on the town and finding an inexpensive way to occupy their time. I think burning some gas will be cheaper.
THE HAPPIEST DAY OF THE YEAR IF YOU'RE A DRUID
June 21st is the longest day of the year not because your mother-in-law is visiting, it is the Summer Solstice. The Summer Solstice is the day with the most daylight. Daylight will steadily decrease until the shortest day of the year.
There will be a big celebration by modern day pagans and Druids at Stonehenge but mostly attended by a bunch of potheads who gather to take advantage of new marijuana laws.
Archaeologists have recently decided Stonehenge was a burial ground. The builders would set up a city there once a year. On the Summer Solstice, they would gather at Stonehenge at dawn to honor the dead. Then, they would all walk two miles down the road to an exact replica made from wood. Piles and piles of gnawed on animal bones have been dug up there. At sunset, the ancient people would have a big barbecue, then a giant baby-making orgy.
ON TODAY'S FLIGHT WE'LL BE SERVING A SNACK OF GOVERNMENT CHEESE
There are kooks that like to be on television that don't know much about
economics or business. This morning they thought that the government should take over the airlines.
We could have an experiment. Let the government take over whatever airline goes broke. They could call it Post Office Air. Let's see which airline people will prefer riding on.
ROTTEN TOMATOES
Can someone be charged with attempted murder if they throw possibly salmonella tainted tomatoes at a bad actors and singers on stage?
Human behavior is like water. No matter how you try to control them, both will always find the leaks. People do what is in their immediate best interests.
EAT GLOBALLY BE HAPPY LOCALLY
When Robin Williams guest starred on a LAW AND ORDER episode, his character claimed to be a locavore. That was the first time I heard the term. A locavore is a person that only eats fruit, vegetable or meats that are grown locally. They believe they are saving the planet because they are cutting down on their carbon foot print.
Most of the people in the world that are starving to death are locavores, but not by choice. It is dumb not to participate in the world wide distribution of agricultural products. It is insurance against the seasons and nature damaging everything in a certain location. Trade is good for getting things to where they are needed. Depending on a government "genius" to decide what goes where is inefficient.
Some are locavores because they believe what they get locally is better. The best of anything is not sold locally. It is sold where you get the highest price which will be- far away. The best oranges are not sold by the side of the road in Florida. That is their leftovers.
I remember a story about a boy that lived in a coastal town in New England. He considered himself poor. He had to brown bag a Lobster Sandwich for lunch to school every day.
EAT HEALTHY
Our food supply keeps getting tainted by disease or getting too expensive because it is being used up to make ethanol. Spinach was pulled last year because it was full of e-coli. Peanut Butter was a treat gone bad. You never know when your meat might one day give you mad cow disease and turn your brain into Swiss Cheese. Now, we can't have tomatoes.
The only food that may be safe is Fried Coke. If you are watching your weight, eat Fried Diet Coke.
YOU REALLY DO LIVE IN A SMALL WORLD
A recent study found that most people spend almost 100% of their time within 20 miles of their house. Only about 3% leave a 200 mile circle and fewer than 1% venture further than 621 miles from their house. I would imagine most people with a long commute have seen what is more than a 1000 feet off the road on their route as often as they have been to the moon, and they see most friends or relatives that live 50 miles away as often as ones that live 1500 miles away.
They did the study by picking 100,000 random anonymous cell phones and collected data on which cell towers the cell phones pinged. This has gotten them into hot water with some privacy advocates. Someone always has a complaint. I am convinced these advocates are 60s radicals and their disciples that believe J. Edgar Hoover still has them under surveillance. Who else would worry about it?
THANKS FOR KNOCKING OUT THAT RENT
As Chris Rock would say to show your dad some appreciation. "And, I sure do enjoy that light!"
Father's Day is the number one day for collect calls. Since long distance doesn't cost any extra on a cell phone, Dad doesn't have to pay for as many calls anymore, and ungrateful kids can use their free nights and weekend minutes they wouldn't be using anyway.
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY.
DON'T USE $4 WORTH OF GAS TO BUY A $1 HAMBURGER AT THE DRIVE-THRU
Fast Food franchisees are balking at the $1 value menus promoted by their franchisers. The Dollar menus bring in lots of customers, and have been the main contributor to increased sales, but the owners claim increase in commodity prices and higher minimum wages cut into the margins. The owners want to raise the price and want the franchisers to stop spending so much of the advertising money on promoting the cheap menu. The franchisers say the sweet spot for getting the attention of customers is $1. Plus, the franchiser gets their percentage right off the top. The restaurant owner gets the squeeze.
Sometimes in business, you can fool yourself by being extremely busy and feel you are working hard, but not make any money because you are charging too little. You can make more money by charging a better price but being less busy.
There were two guys named Clem and Elmer. They decided to go into the watermelon selling business. They drove over to Farmer John's Watermelon Patch and bought watermelons from him for 1 dollar a piece. They loaded up their truck drove down the road and found a spot by the side of the road they thought would be a prime location for selling watermelons. Clem and Elmer put up a big sign that read WATERMELONS- $1 each. They started selling their watermelons and sales were brisk. After a couple of hours, Clem said to Elmer, "Hey, we aren't making any money!" Elmer said to Clem. "Yea, I know. We need a bigger truck."
WE'LL BE GLAD WHEN YOU'RE DEAD YOU RASCAL YOU
The designer of the Pringles can was so proud of his design that when he died recently his children honored his request and put his ashes into a Pringles can. The Pringles can couldn't hold all of him so they put the rest in an urn.
Some folks have been buried in their favorite car or in a costume of their favorite fictional character. There is a casket company that makes themed caskets.
I love hamburgers. When I die I think I should be buried between two buns.
I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK. I LIKE MIRACLE WHIP
I read a lot of food blogs and there seems to be a great deal of snobbery against Miracle Whip. I must not be alone because jars of Miracle Whip far outsells mayonnaise at the grocery store. The food snobs don't like FOOD NETWORK'S Sandra Lee (Semi Homemade) and Rachael Ray and are against yellow mustard, too.
SPREAD EM AND SMILE
Barack Obama has been doing a lot of whining, lately, about being treated unfairly.
He and the people around him are saying that you are not supposed to question the people he has associated with, what church he goes to, study his accomplishments, probe his past, examine his childhood or ask what he really thinks about anything. He was given an unexamined free ride through most of the primary season. Now, it appears that he is only friends with radicals. He promises a nebulous change which is leaking out to sound like communism. Judging by the statements of Mrs. Obama, and the preachers at his former church and the way the congregation cheers them on, I hope his CHANGE doesn't include getting rid of the white folks.
Everyone that runs for president gets a Free Anal Exam. Actually, they get a 100 million dollar one. That is why the only people that run have the quality of a lot a gall. And, the new criteria seems to be having as much shame as the women that ruined her marriage to win money on the TV show MOMENT OF TRUTH and wound up with zero.
IT'S TIME TO HIDE THE PRESERVES
An old relative from the South once told me he knew he had overstayed his welcome as a house guest when they took the preserves off the table.
The debates and primaries started so soon we are sick of the candidates. If they weren't goofing up we would be bored stiff. They are like someone you were once goo goo eyed over that is now the boyfriend sitting like a lump on your couch belching or the girlfriend with her issues bubbling to the surface.
Any damn fool can believe and propose anything. It is up to sensible people not to go along with it.
CHANGE YOUR PASSWORD REMEMBER NOT TO FORGET WHAT IT IS
The number one password that people use as a password is PASSWORD. Other popular passwords are ABCDEF and 123456. Some really mix it up with ABC123. Many just use their first name as password.
So, if you don't want your bank accounts cleaned out and you credit cards maxed out, don't make your password the first thing a crook will try. It would be a good idea not to keep a list of your passwords on your computer, either.
One way to keep your identity from being stolen is to have an identity so bad nobody wants to steal it.
A REASON FOR THE WAR IN IRAQ
Nobody has said it, but it is the same as the theory of
how to keep from getting beaten up or raped in prison. On the first day, you find the biggest meanest nastiest ugliest inmate, go up to him and bust him in the nose or hit him over the head with a chair. Everyone gets the message you are not to be messed with.
Saddam Hussein and his even worse sadistic sons were the biggest maniacs with dangerous intentions. Saddam had already ignored ultimatums numbering in the teens from the spineless wimps of the UN. As any weak parent knows, if you aren't willing to back up your threatened discipline, you are going to get your rear end kicked (physically or emotionally).
When you stand up to the biggest, the other evil doers take notice and the cost for any actions they may be considering goes up.
The trouble is we gave the Iraqis their country back on a silver platter and they were so beaten down they weren't willing to take it and defend it. At least, the Kurds were ready to take care of themselves.
Thank you to all that have been willing to fight for our Freedom to live, think and go wherever and whatever we want.
WHY ME LORD. SEE YOU IN COURT.
The Blame Game is in full swing.
Everybody is suing everybody else for whatever frivolous reason. They say if there is only one lawyer in town he will starve to death. If there are two, they will both live in mansions on the hill. It is a good thing they limit law school enrollment.
Congress just passed a bill to sue OPEC for charging too much for oil.
I am waiting for someone to sue GOD for destruction caused by a natural disaster. I have a defense. A hurricane, or earthquake or flood (with you living on the river bank) was going to come through wherever it came through whether you were there are not. It is up to you to not be there.
THE SECRET TO SUCCESS
I don't have too many good thing to say about the Clintons, but I do admire them for one thing. PERSISTENCE.
Bill and Hillary do embrace the number one principle for success in any endeavor. They have proved it time after time. NEVER GIVE UP.
Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something.
--Plato
MY NEW HOBBY
I almost don't have time to add anything to Mr Bad Ideas Notebook. I am too busy looking up the most popular baby names since 1880.
MYRTLE was #27 in 1894 but dropped out of the Top 1000 in 1965. DUDLEY hung around number 300 - 500 for nearly 100 years but dropped off the chart in 1970. Floyd started losing steam after 1938 and is no longer in the Top 1000.
Here is another report in the award winning series on television newsrooms always on the lookout for an easy story to fill up time on the nightly news:
Reporters are being sent to the gas station to ask people filling up their car what they think of rising gas prices. It's incredible!. They are all against it.
Congress is where bloated blowhards congregate to do things to impress the ignorant and enrich their friends.
IT'S A GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY!
There are far too many people that believe in Government Conspiracies or believe government can solve all the ills in their life.
The older I get the more I have come to realize that government can barely wave Bye-Bye or tie its own shoes.
Politicians know they can't fix anything, but they have to appear to try, so they throw big wads of cash ostensibly at the problem to the waiting circling sharks ready to gobble it up. Then, they go on to the next complaint and appear to care about it. That is the only government conspiracy.
Conspiracies are good for selling books, too.
IF YOU CAN READ THIS YOU MIGHT BE A SCHOOL TEACHER
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno�t mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghi t pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
They claim that 55 out of 100 people can read the message. 100% of school teachers probably can.
YUCKY!
This story first appeared two years ago when
the city of San Diego proposed to treat sewage and return it to the municipal water supply. They said it would help save them from future water shortages. Now, Los Angeles has decided it is a good idea.
The water can be treated and filtered with reverse osmosis to be just as clean as any water. It is just the thought.
Butch, Spike and Rocko (my son and daughters) would like to add this comment: OOOOH. YUCKY!
In reality, all water is recycled sewage.
Opponents say that only the poor will be drinking sink water. Rich folks will buy bottled water. Most people think that bottled water comes from some pristine idyllic pool of water in a beautiful green valley unsullied by human existence. It is usually just filtered city water.
A reader writes that the water goes through the people of London 7 times a day.
IT'S A GOOD THING HE DIDN'T SAY, "HOLD ON, TOOTS"
Obama has being saying a lot of naive and stupid things lately including- there are 57 states plus Alaska and Hawaii. This is just sloughed off by the news media. But, he really stepped in it when he told a female news reporter "Just a minute, SWEETIE." He has offended those that are looking to be offended. It won't be forgotten.
And, comedians looking for an easy laugh pegged President Bush as being stupid?
NEITHER A BORROWER OR LENDER BE
When you receive a credit card offer, don't look at the advertised interest rate they are offering. Look at the circular for the default rate. This is the rate they are going to use every trick up their sleeve
to put you on as soon as possible. (sometimes over 30%)
Do you say it doesn't matter what the rate is because "I pay off the balance each month"? If you pay off the balance, you don't need a credit card. It can only be a temptation to get in trouble. Save up an emergency fund. Use the Visa or Master Card debit card that comes with your bank account. They operate with the same rules of no obligation if your card is lost or stolen.
EDDIE DOESN'T EAT SQUIRREL ANYMORE SINCE HE FOUND OUT THEY WERE HIGH IN CHOLESTEROL
Squirrel is becoming the meat of choice for the strident global warming gang. They claim squirrels have a very small carbon footprint compared to cows. Cow flatulence is a major part of raising carbon dioxide levels and there is a lot of transportation involved in getting their meat to market.
Other recent squirrel eating news:
Former presidential candidate Mike Huckabee said in an interview that when he was in college they fried squirrels in the only cooking device allowed in their dorm room- a popcorn popper.
Some wags thought he admitted it to get in good with hillbilly voters in the South Carolina primary. He may be going after the New Jersey vote judging by this news report from last year:
A warning has gone out for New Jersey squirrel hunters-DON'T EAT SQUIRREL MORE THAN TWICE A WEEK. The New Jersey squirrels have been exposed to toxic sludge so caution is advised.
DON'T BRING A KNIFE TO A GUN FIGHT
The new Indiana Jones movie is out along with a new DVD of the Indiana Jones trilogy.
One of my favorite movie scenes is from "Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark". It is the scene in the marketplace where Indiana Jones comes up against the mighty swordsman.
The huge swordsman is dressed in his finery, swinging a giant sword in a well choreographed show of superiority. Indiana stops gives a look then whips out a pistol and shoots the swordsman dead.
Originally this scene was supposed to be a sword fight, but Harrison Ford was feeling weak from the traveler's scourge and didn't feel up to the three days it would take to practice and shoot the sword fight. So, he suggested to Steven Speilberg- why don't we just shoot him and Speilberg said all right that he was thinking the same thing.
SUPPLY AND DEMAND OF GRANDCHILDREN
With the high divorce rate, many children have two families and six or more grandparents. The demand for visits from the grandchildren is high, but the supply is low. The creators of FREAKONOMICS say this is why retired couples with no children at home buy bigger houses than they need centrally located so they can snag more grandchildren time.
CALL YOUR MOTHER
Mother's Day is a tradition that was ramrodded by Anna Jarvis of Grafton, West Virgina. She was never a mother herself, but was extremely devoted to her own mother. Her mother died in 1905, and Anna wanted to honor her. Anna's mother had worked to improve sanitation after the Civil War with Mother's Work Days. Anna organized a Mother's Day Memorial Committee at her church. She, then, went on a letter writing campaign and a crusade giving speeches promoting Mother's Day. By 1909, 45 states, Canada, Mexico, Hawaii and Puerto Rico celebrated Mother's Day and in 1914 a resolution was passed by Congress designating the second Sunday in May as Mother's Day.
Those
Evil businessmen always looking for a new way to make a buck, saw an opportunity to drive people to their stores and restaurants. Commercializing Mother's Day was not Anna's intent. She became so distraught that she started going door to door with petitions to get rid of Mother's Day. Mother's Day is now the biggest day of the year for restaurants, number one telephone call day, and one of the biggest holidays for store sales.
Anna died of a broken heart.
We aren't addicted to oil. We are addicted to moving.
THE FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT?
Bill Clinton has always been like a small town braggart- taking credit for anything good that happens even if he had nothing to do with it and denying anything that is bad. He gloms on to any little thing he can use to pump himself up.
Bill Clinton has been walking around for 10 years proudly accepting being called "The First Black President" like it was a badge of honor
as if he actually did great things for black people. Author Toni Morrison who is credited with dubbing him that says it is misunderstood. In an article, she says she was merely referring to the sex-scandal. He was like any black man walking down the street. "Already guilty and already a perp."
ALWAYS WEAR CLEAN UNDERWEAR
This is tornado season and the recent outbreaks of killer tornadoes reminded me of this.
Did your mother or grandma warn you to always wear clean underwear in case you are in an accident?
Minton Sparks, who tells stories set to music, was interviewed while promoting her CD- Sin Sick. She said she was once a social worker and what she loved most were the stories people told her. Minton told the story from a man about the time a tornado came through the farm area where he lived when he was a child.
The tornado had run through the neighbor's farm and threw the woman that lived there up into a tree. She was not badly hurt, but got stuck in the tree. When everyone came to help, they could see up her skirt and notice that she was wearing holey underwear.
The man's grandmother became extremely distressed. They didn't have much money, but she scraped up enough to go out and buy the best most expensive pair of underwear she could find.
Whenever the wind would pick up, she would go to her bureau, pull out her expensive underwear and slip them on. She called them her "tornado drawers".
AND THEY GET FREE ICE CREAM, TOO!
Raul Castro just announced that it is now legal in Cuba to buy a desktop computer, cell phone and stay in the fancy international hotels. Not that anyone can afford any of these things.
Two years ago in May, Fidel Castro in a move that would delight Teddy Kennedy raised the minimum wage in Cuba from $5 to $11. That's a month.
He left out government workers and other professionals for pay raises. Fidel remedied that. Doctors got a $7.40 increase and those with a master's degree got a $1.50 to $4 raise. A month.
Housing, education and other basics in Cuba are free and everything else is subsidized. Basically paychecks are equivalent to Daddy giving you an allowance.
But, this opens the door of basic free enterprise. Somebody saves his money and buys a tool that is needed, but no one can afford, or a group chips in to buy it. Then, they break up the usage into smaller chunks and charge for it. People can pay for the amount of time they can afford. Everyone is better off.
Don't tell Raul.
WHO NEEDS WATERBOARDING?
I was watching Hillary's interview by Bill O'Reilly and she was still against Waterboarding to pry information out of terrorists. She says because it is cruel.
Hillary doesn't need to waterboard anyone. Just put a terrorist in a room with her for a while and they will turn into a quivering mess of jelly willing to tell you everything they know.
Almost all scientists agree there is global warming because if you don't agree you get canned.
FIENDS ON THE ROOF
They cut the ribbon May 1, 1931, on the 102 story Empire State Building.
Everyone has heard if a penny is dropped from the top of the Empire State Building that it would kill someone walking down the sidewalk if it hit them in head. This doesn't seem to stop many people from throwing pennies and becoming potential murderers.
Luckily, the tall buildings of New York City create an updraft that catch the pennies and they end up on a ledge 5 stories below the observation deck. As far as anyone can remember, no one has been killed.
HAPPY COMMIE DAY
May Day. The day when some young punks think it is cool to pull out their Hammer and Sickle, Mao, Marx or Lenin t-shirts. Some tiny motley groups staged motley parades marching on downtown sidewalks carrying handwritten poster board signs and banging on a drum. The commie contingents are usually led by a deluded disillusioned whiskered old college professor who returns to his cluttered office after their pitiful spectacles, clutches a glass, sits in his creaky chair and shakes his head ruefully.
Far too many people want to bully other people from expressing their opinion and it is always worse during election season. This is the United States of America where:
Everyone is free to believe anything they want. Everyone is free not to agree with them.
WHAT IS THE PRESIDENT?
The President of the United States has two jobs. The president is THE DECIDER and the president is THE EXPLAINER. You can't really know for sure what kind of DECIDER the president is going to be until they have to decide something. A study of their lifetime character maybe all you have. The 3 AM question has become a big joke but it is probably the best test for making a decision on who to vote for. You should vote for who you most trust to decide.
CAMPAIGNING TO THE STUPID
Hillary Clinton recently gave a speech on energy policy obviously geared for consumption by the ignorant and the gullible. When she becomes president, she will give OPEC a talking to and they will lower oil prices just because she says so. She also thought she would automatically become president just because she said so.
"Don't forget our CINCO de MAYO CELEBRATION coming up May 5th!"
--A Bar Ad
LET THE FRENCH DECIDE
Expecting the government to solve a problem is like spending your life searching for a unicorn. Government doesn't solve problems, they generally create more by helping one group by screwing another.
The Democrat primaries have become a mess and a microcosm of government mismanagement. Politicians, especially Democrats, can't seem to make straightforward rules about anything.
First, they rushed primary season, they told Florida and Michigan their primaries wouldn't count because they held them before they said they could. Only Hillary ran. They devised the Super Delegates-a group of "elite geniuses" that know better than the voting rabble what is best. If the Super Delegates give Hillary the nod instead of Obama, who by all fair standards will have won, they will alienate hard core Obama supporters who will justifiably feel ripped off.
The Democrats have gotten into a pickle. How can they fix this?
They can make the decision based on how they always make decisions. Democrats are always worried about what the French think about us. Let the French decide. But wait. That leaves out other groups that they shove to the front to make their decisions. What they want goes anyway. Let them decide.
Here is the plan. Form a committee of French people, welfare recipients, illegal aliens and Gitmo detainees. Whatever they say goes. Voila, the Democrats will have their candidate.
MR BAD IDEAS TRAVEL AGENCY
Looking for a vacation spot with plenty of nighttime entertainment? Plan a stay at
The Smuggler's Inn- an eight guest room bed and breakfast in Blaine Washington. The hotel's front lawn touches the Canadian border. The only thing that demarcates the border are a British Columbia road named Zero Avenue and series of evenly spaced stones in the front yard. When the owner mows the yard, he has to venture into Canada.
Each room comes with night vision binoculars and a giant flashlight that you can use to watch for people (mostly drug smugglers) sneaking across the border. Over 126 border jumpers have been arrested in the front yard.
The Smuggler's Inn was most likely used to help smuggle in liquor during prohibition. The owner Bob Boule has named the rooms after famous smugglers. Two room choices are the Joseph. P. Kennedy room or the Dirty Dan Harris room.
Call for reservations, now.
MR BAD IDEAS' EARTH DAY EARTH SAVING TIP
Get rid of all the light bulbs in your house. Sit in the dark. Go to bed at sundown. Wake up at dawn. Turn off your television when Al Gore comes on.
I'M SAVING THE PLANET I WEAR A GREEN COLORED SHIRT EVERYDAY
It may make you feel good but too many people confuse symbolism with accomplishing something. A baseball team wore green hats for one game and passed out 10,000 green caps. Last year, they turned out the lights on the Eiffel Tower for a few hours. How is this going to solve a problem. If you are promoting saving the planet that's almost as good, right?.
Some people give themselves a job title- ACTIVIST. How do they qualify?
Getting Naked.
They Get Naked for Peace or Ending World Hunger or Stopping Hurricanes or Stopping Nudity, etc.
They are just looking for an excuse to drop their drawers in public. Most really shouldn't.
WHAT A STIFF
Howard Dean, the head of Democrat National Committee and former presidential candidate, is ranting about how the Super Delegates must have their minds made up by the first part of June on who they are voting for at the convention. I almost forgot he was still around. He pops up to say something every once in a while to again prove how clueless he is.
Apparently sex euphemism was over his head several years ago.
In an interview, he was asked if Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers' papers from working as President Bush's counsel should be released instead of presidential privilege being invoked.
He said: "Yes, I don't think they want to go around playing HIDE THE SALAMI."
This reminds me of a story about President Richard Nixon. He was trying to be "one of the boys" and asked a young single guy staffer: "Well, did you fornicate, last night?"
TWO DOLLAR WORD FROM A THREE DOLLAR BOOK
Euphemism started in ancient Greece. The people believed the gods listened to all human conversation and offensive or boastful words had to be made politically correct so not to offend the god. The meaner and nastier the god, the nicer the word had to be. An example of an euphemism:
Politicians don’t lie. They misspeak.
Will Hillary be ready for 3 AM emergency calls because she is up anyway cleaning her guns, knocking one back and waiting for Bill to try to sneak in?
WHERE'S THE BEEF
The rising cost of food (thanks ethanol) is making restaurants look for ways to give you smaller portions for the same price without you noticing.
Restaurant consultants are suggesting:
Get smaller plates (so smaller portions look the same size)
Use lighter-weight spoons and fork (so the food feels heavier).
Serve shrimp on skewers (so it doesn't curl up and will look larger)
They also suggest taking out an ounce or two of the meat portions and cutting them into two pieces, then fill the plates with more low cost starchy food (potatoes anyone?) and vegetables. I have always suspicioned that all-you-can eat buffets know a way to make mashed potatoes expand once they hit your stomach.
They could go with the tried and true. Have lots of really good bread and rolls. I sometimes eat so many rolls I could care less about the entree. How do you think Olive Garden stays in business- salad and bread sticks. Who goes for the food?
BE POLITE
Politeness, courtesy and appreciation are tiny gestures that make life more pleasant for everyone. It depends on being taught by your parents and you keeping in practice.
My mother taught me to send a Thank You for a drink out of a neighbor's garden hose.
--Beth Damn Donahue-Weedman Southern Fried Chicks
YOU MISSED McDONALD'S BIRTHDAY
Ray Kroc opened his first McDonald's April, 15, 1955 in Des Plaines, Ill. He talked the McDonald brothers into letting him franchise. Dick and Mac's original McDonald's restaurant was going gangbusters in San Bernadino, California. At that time, the restaurants had no inside seating, and only walk up order windows.
Today, McDonald's is remodeling their restaurants with soft couches, plasma televisions, wi-fi internet and coffee counters. They want you to come by often and stay awhile. For their first 50 years, they wanted you to hurry up, EAT and GET OUT.
Ray Kroc may be rolling over in his grave. He decided on the uncomfortable plastic furniture and banning cigarette machines, pay phones, and juke boxes. He wanted to turn over the seats fast and discourage loiterers and cigarette puffing punks from hanging around like it was a bowling alley.
One hamburger McDonalds test marketed and Ray Kroc loved was the HULA BURGER- a hamburger with a round of pineapple.
PUT UP YOUR DUKES A LEADING CONTENDER IN WE WERE FIRST BURGER BRAWL
One of the many places that are fighting it out to claim to be the home of the first hamburger is Seymour, Wisconsin. Hamburger Charlie Nagreen started selling the ground meat on a bun at fairs in 1885 when he was 15 years old. He did most of the cooking in his booth. When he got tired,or business got slow, an employee would take over the stove and Hamburger Charlie would grab his guitar and start drumming up customers. His pitch:
"Hey you skinny rascals don't you ever eat?"
AAARGGH
British ships are patrolling the waters off Africa trying to stop rampaging Somali pirates. They have been ordered by the British government not to return them to Somalia because they will be beheaded per Somali justice. They are also ordered not to capture the pirates and bring them back to England. If they step on British shores they can ask for and be granted asylum. The British legal system would cause a whole new problem- Somali pirates running free in the country.
In the old days, they didn't have to contend with such problems.
When the British tracked down Blackbeard they killed him, and the Captain cut off his head and carried it around as a souvenir tacked to the masthead.
ANOTHER EASY NEWS STORY DAY
Here is another of the award winning series of reports on television newsrooms always on the lookout for an easy story. TAX IS DUE day was April 15th. The news vans were camped out at the post office to document the crush of cars filled with last minute filers. The reporterette breathlessly describing the scene. The lazy news rooms missed out last year. There was some other big news event that I can't remember, now, that trumped their yearly TAX IS DUE story and they didn't need the story to fill time.
I was just thinking- Hey, I am always on the lookout for an easy story. I always know I have a no brainer article about lazy news rooms on the pre-Thanksgiving airport is busy day or day after Thanksgiving mall parking lot is full day or gas prices have gone up so head to the service station to interview motorists filling their cars who say they are against it day or show up at the bar during a sports championship to capture the drunks going WOOOOOO day.
ELVIS AND HIS CUISINE
Elvis Presley's last meal was cheeseburgers made by his cook Mary Jenkins. Everyone has heard of his love for peanut butter and banana sandwiches fried in butter, but he was a cheeseburger fiend. They say he was making up for when he couldn't get one while growing up poor.
ELVIS AND HIS CUISINE is now showing on YouTube. It is a 1996 BBC documentary divided into 6- 9 1/2 minute parts with either German or Swedish subtitles (I can't tell which it is).
Michael Jackson had a famous chimp named Bubbles. I never knew Elvis had a chimp that ate at the dinner table with him. The chimp also liked to look up girl's skirts and on occasion attack them. It is in the documentary.
THE BEST SANDWICH ELVIS EVER ATE
You probably know about the Peanut Butter and Nanner (banana) sandwiches- the gloppy mess Elvis's cook often made him. Elvis said the best sandwich he ever ate was the FOOL'S GOLD LOAF. It was a sandwich made by the Colorado Mine Company restaurant in Denver that cost $49.50.
The legend goes that one night in 1976, Elvis had two police friends from Denver visiting him at Graceland and talk turned to the FOOL'S GOLD LOAF and how they all wished they had one. So they hopped into Elvis's jet-TCB and flew to Denver. The restaurant delivered the sandwiches to the airport hangar and Elvis and his buddies devoured them and washed it down with Dom Perignon. Here's the recipe:
o 2 T margarine
o 1 loaf Italian white bread
o 1 lb bacon slices
o 1 jar of smooth peanut butter
o 1 jar of grape jelly
Heat an oven to 450 degrees. Cut the loaf of bread in half and hollow it out. Rub margarine all over the outside of the bread, slather on the jar of peanut butter then stick it in the oven. Take out the bread when it gets toasty and the peanut butter warm and gooey. Add the jar of grape jelly. You can either put the bacon in the hollowed out bread cavity or between the peanut butter and jelly.
Elvis could eat one by himself.
Another Elvis favorite was Barbecue over spaghetti. It's a Memphis thing.
IT'S THE CLINTON HOUR
4 pm on Friday afternoon should be dubbed THE CLINTON HOUR. Staying true to the Clinton's modus operandi of dumping papers containing their bad news at that hour, they did it again with their income tax results.
4 PM Friday is the beginning of the weekend and the time when the least number of people will notice while it is rehashed over and over on the news. It is too late to get in Letterman, Leno and Conan's monologue until Monday (or do they check to see if they have the week off). By Monday morning, the news cycle is over, the news media is tired of it and ready to be hot and bothered about something new. The Clintons could dump bad news at a better time- 3 AM Sunday morning, but that would be too obvious.
Hillary Clinton wants to raise taxes on the rich. She believes they did nothing to earn it and just got lucky. If she is talking about herself and Bill, she's right. The Clinton's got rich peddling influence, books nobody reads but sales driven by peer pressure, and speeches that don't inspire or teach anyone anything. Most people get rich by blood, sweat and tears and providing something that benefits and is useful to millions of people.
THIS AIN'T MY FIRST TRIP TO THE RODEO
Mrs Bad Ideas was watching Bronco riding on television and I overheard the announcer comment on the rider:
He's cooler than the bottom side of the pillow
WE HAD TO STOP DOING THAT BECAUSE OF DNA
Everyone has wondered what ever happened to Jimmy Hoffa? The Teamsters president disappeared in the early 1970s and has never been found. Some have speculated that he is buried in the end zone at the Meadowlands stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey. I believe the SOPRANOS showed the connection between people that disappear and Pork stores in New Jersey.
WE'RE UP S*CREEK WITHOUT A PADDLE IN A WIRE CANOE
The motivations that lead to getting pregnant have as little to do with knowing how to be a good parent as the process of running for president has to do with knowing how to run a country.
WHICH KID ARE YOU PLANNING TO EAT FIRST?
Billionaire crackpot Ted Turner says global warming will kill everyone in 40 years and whoever is left will be a cannibal. He says global warming is caused by too many people using too much stuff. He suggests everyone on earth voluntarily limit themselves to one or two children.
Ted Turner has five children.
WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD
Wacked out
Extreme environmentalist kooks daydream of saving the world by getting rid of all these pesky people. They dream about people suddenly disappearing and everything they have built rusting, disintegrating and going to seed. The world will be a garden.
No one would be here to notice. Would a tree falling in a forest make a sound? The only thing that would miss us are dogs because we feed them. I am sure that like all grandiose dreams the dreamer has decided they are the only one exempt.
If Al Gore is so worried about the extinction of the human race, why does he look so happy?
The movie is over and the crowd rushes to the door. They have been in a panic. They can't take it anymore. They whip out their cell phones to call someone, anyone. There is a new name for what they have.
NOMOPHOBIA is the fear of being out of mobile phone contact. Having no bars or a discharged phone is leading to anxiety and panic attacks in an increasing number of people.
Let's hope forgetting to charge a phone doesn't cause the suicide or divorce rate to rise.
Cellphone text messaging has turned the younger generation into a bunch of new fangled Western Union operators. Their reply would be WU WT.
YOU'RE NOT EMO, YOU'RE SMILING
What is Emo? I first heard the term several months ago when I read an article that mentioned a style of music called emo. I heard of emo again when an American Idol contestant was described as emo. Last week, I was talking to a high school teacher relative and found out I am a really old fossil that is out of the loop. Emo kids wear tight pants, have bangs covering one eye, claim bisexuality, think everything is stupid, and generally walk around being sad and depressed. She said she catches one girl looking in every mirror she passes to check that she looks sufficiently sad. They are only happy at a concert for their favorite emo band.
Today, I read they are having anti-emo riots in Mexico. Groups of teenagers are going around looking for emo kids to beat up. One marauder said that he hates them, they are stupid and start crying about the least little thing.
In my day, they weren't called emo. They were called Wimps, Wusses and a word that starts with P.
IT'S A NEW WORLD FOR PECOS BILL AND TALL TALE HILL
The Clintons have a long history of telling whoppers. They remember things or insert themselves into events that either never happened or they were not a part of. In the old days, they could get away with it. Many of their stories sounded fishy but it was too hard to find out if it was true. And, Bill and Hillary had the advantage that if anyone bothered by the time they got the goods the tall tale was already forgotten by the masses, so no one cared. With the internet and You Tube, everyone has the resources to immediately check out their stories. And they do.
Pecos Bill and Tall Tale Hill can no longer claim to have never said it if they ever happened to get caught.
Pecos Bill and Tall Tale Hill have their new standby- "I misspoke", and their spin doctors have devised new strategies to talk you out of your common sense.
Pecos Bill recently claimed the he changed oil in cars when he was five years old.
MY OPPONENT ISN'T FIT TO BE ELECTED DOG CATCHER
Every election, candidates spend several billion dollars to convince you their opponent is the lowest slime to ever walk on the earth. This must mean we elect the second lowest slimes to ever walk on earth.
ASHLEY DUPRE, ADVERTISING GENIUS
Elliot Spitzer's favorite prostitute Ashley Dupre's opportunity for cashing in on her 15 minutes of fame may be drying up. Too many people who might pay big money for her pictures are finding they already own pictures. GIRLS GONE WILD offered her $1 million until they found they had a ton of footage of her sitting in their vault. Many other pictures are surfacing.
She still may be able to cash in with a genius advertising slogan for condoms.
According to court papers, she had an amazing ability to reject requests for unprotected sex. "I have a way of dealing with that," she told her boss at the Emperor's Club VIP, "I'd be like,
'Listen, dude, you really want the sex?'"
MY LATEST REALITY TV SHOW IDEA: MEXICO ROAD TRUCKERS
I heard a radio news report about the government's lack of regulating the mechanical safety of 18 wheelers from Mexico on our highways. I started thinking about the reality TV show ICE ROAD TRUCKERS. ICE ROAD TRUCKERS follows daredevil truckers in Canada risking their necks transporting machinery to diamond mines, during the dead of winter, 300 miles across a frozen lake. That is kid stuff compared to driving down the U.S. interstates without any brakes, or smuggling a truckload of angry Guatemalans hiding in a spare gas tank or behind cases of lettuce.
REALITY SHOW CATCH PHRASE
I have never really watched THE BIGGEST LOSER. I saw a promo and got to thinking how cruel it is to kick someone who is morbidly obese and trying to lose weight off the show each week.
Every reality game show has a catch phrase when they eliminate a contestant; some good some not so catchy. You're fired, pack your knives, you're out, you're out of style, you're the weakest link. Good-bye.
I have been devising my own. Here is my current favorite idea:
Hit the bricks. You're canned.
I sit on my throne and shout mine during Donald Trump or Heidi Klum's down sizing ceremony to try them out.
IF WE COULD JUST GET RID OF THAT PESKY CANCER THING
Scientists at universities in tobacco growing states are studying a way to make cigarettes cancer-free. If they are successful, cigarette companies could increase sales by not killing off their customers and knock away objections to smoking caused by its number one drawback.
POLITICIANS and the MAGIC WORDS
Senator caught toe tapping for sex in an airport bathroom. The governor of New Jersey resigns after admitting to being gay. Now, his assistant claims he had every Friday night threesomes with the governor and the governor's wife. New York governor resigns after admitting to years whoring with high priced prostitutes. They swear in a new governor and he immediately admits to running around on his wife. Politicians are freaks! We are governed by freaks!
Last year, Oprah had a show with swingers (once called wife swappers) as guests. They said the MAGIC WORDS. Every weirdo who is interviewed on television always says the magic words to rationalize their perversion- they know doctors and lawyers that also do what they do. They should add governors and congressmen.
It makes me wonder what my doctor has been up to when I go for a checkup.
PEOPLE THAT LIVE IN UFO SHAPED HOUSES SHOULD NOT THROW THEIR WIFE OUT
A house shaped like a flying saucer that stands on a mountainside in Chattanooga, Tennessee recently sold at auction for $135,000. It was built in 1970. It stands on six legs and the entrance is a retractable staircase that lowers to the ground.
A neighbor says one owner had an argument with her husband. She pulled up the stairway, drove her husband's truck underneath it so he couldn't get the stairs down and left him stuck inside.
HOW DO I KNOW WHEN EASTER SUNDAY IS NEXT YEAR?
Look on a calendar.
Or, It is the first Sunday following the first full moon after the vernal equinox.
WHAT DOES A BUNNY HAVE TO DO WITH EASTER?
The Easter Bunny really is a symbol of spring that has been combined with Easter because it falls at the same time. The Bunny is an ancient German tradition and folk story dating back before the birth of Christ. The story goes- A chicken turns into a bunny that lays colorful eggs and spreads them across open lands to change the dreary bleakness of winter into the colors of spring. The kids go out to hunt for the colorful treasures left by the Easter Bunny.
NOT YOUR SONNY BOY'S CONVENIENCE STORE
Lawson is Japan's second-largest convenience store chain. In 2006, they redid one of their stores to cater to senior citizens. The shelves are jam packed with hearing-aid batteries, false-teeth supplies and wigs. It has wide aisles and calming colors. It has been a runaway success.
If you send some young whippersnapper there to "pick you up some stuff", you can tell them not to forget the lottery tickets and dirty magazines. You're not dead, yet.
UNPROTECTED BY THE POLITICALLY CORRECT
The politically correct are so sensitive and unwilling to offend anyone. They won't call people what they are. They won't call a terrorist a terrorist. They won't call a bum a bum (Would it still be politically incorrect to call them unemployed brain surgeons).
One group they save up all of their repressed meanness for are fat people. They could care less if they hurt their feelings. The LA Times- politically correct central- ran an article a while back about SAUSAGE CASING GIRLS. SAUSAGE CASING GIRLS are overweight girls who wear clothes that are too tight. They show their bare midriff, wear shorts and skirts way too high and necklines way too low and are proud of it.
There is a new movie called RUN FATBOY RUN. Who else could they feel O.K. about slurring.
BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH!
March 15, 44 BC, Julius Caesar was assassinated by a group of Roman senators calling themselves Liberatores. He was stabbed to death. The senators must have been all against passing Knife Control laws.
In the Roman calendar, ides was used for the 15th day of the months of March, May, July, and October. It fell on the 13th day of the other 8 months.
The IDES OF MARCH has come to be used as a metaphor for impending doom.
NEW FIVE DOLLAR BILL
The newly designed $5 bill came out recently. The new bills with have splashes of purple and gray with a big purple 5 in the lower right corner on the backside. When the $20 bill first came out, I got money out of the ATM and immediately drove to Sonic Drive-In for a Dr. Pepper (because I am insane for Sonic's crushed ice). I paid the car hop with the new $20, but she didn't want to take it. She thought I was a loony trying to pay with play money. She was only half right. She had to go inside and ask her boss.
What about the role of government? Well, in the abstract, coming from my time and background, I thought it was a rather good thing, but tallying up the ledger in those things which affect me and in those things I observe, I am hard-pressed to see an instance where the intervention of the government led to much beyond sorrow.
--David Mamet in the Village Voice
READ ANY GOOD BOOKS ON THE INTERNET LATELY
How do people read things on the internet. They don't.
According to web expert Jakob Neilsen-"Instead web users flit about like butterflies in a garden, pausing at anything that takes their interest."
THE SPRING CLEANING PHILOSOPHER
I was cleaning out the garage and decided that everything in there, that wasn't trash without any redeeming value, fit into two categories.
The first- boxes full of memories apparently in storage for our future museum to ourselves. In reality, they are there for when I attempt to clean the garage every fifteen years or move, whichever comes first, so I can reminisce while I am chunking things into the trash.
The second- parts from worn out stuff ready to be rigged like MacGyver into something to fix an emergency.
I was able to clear out big patches of the garage now ready for the next wave of junk shoved out the house.
IT MUST BE TRUE. IT'S A SURVEY
A new survey for Nursing Times magazine claims that 1/6th of British nurses have had sex with their patients. Or, at least fellow nurses heard that they did.
I HOPE I GET A GOOD CHRISTMAS BONUS--
Dancing on table tops and photocopying body parts isn't the only thing going on at office Christmas parties.
Another British survey from a dating website says that one-third of those surveyed admitted to having sex with the boss during the party.
Could this be true? Does the boss sit in his office like Bill Clinton with his employees lined up outside the door waiting to wish him or her a "Merry Christmas"?
WHO NEEDS TO FLOSS?--
Another crackpot poll from Britain says 60% of respondents pick their teeth with such things as screwdrivers, scissors, earrings, knives, keys, needles and forks. 23% just leave the food in their teeth.
They all must be true. It's a survey.
Another good tooth picker is a parchment business card. They are thinner than standard business cards but very sturdy. They are expensive cards, so the best source is a crooked lawyer or somebody trying to act richer than they are.
HAPPY 3.14159265 DAY
Math geeks around the world are still recovering. It was Pi DAY - March 14th or 3.14. Pi is the constant number used to calculate the area or circumference of a circle. It starts with 3.14159265 and continues to an infinite number of decimal places. Pi maniacs compete to see who can learn the longest string. A Japanese mental health counselor holds the world record by reciting Pi to the 100,000th decimal place. Someone should examine his head.
Just imagine Pi day in 2015. It will be like Y2K.
Coincidentally, it is also Albert Einstein's birthday.
EXCUSE ME FOR LIVING, BUT THE GRAVEYARD IS FULL
A village in France couldn't justify the cost of buying more land to add to their sold-out cemetery, so their mayor has proclaimed: "all persons not having a plot in the cemetery and wishing to be buried in Sarpourenx are forbidden from dying in the parish."
"Offenders will be severely punished."
Standing Room Only?
AIN'T YOU GOT NO GOOD GRAMMER
March 4th was National Grammar Day. It was sponsored by the blue or red pencil wielding group named The Society for the Promotion of Good Grammar, or
SPOGG.
Their purpose: "SPOGG is for people who crave good, clean English - sentences cast well and punctuated correctly. It's about clarity. And who knows how many of the world's huge problems could be solved if we had a little more of that?"
Grammarians lack imagination.
Fretting about grammar often creates writer's block. It is like an OCD chef that never cooks anything because he is too distracted cleaning up every drop and crumb. It is better to clean up the mess when you are finished.
Spring Forward Fall Back
Daylight Savings Time was invented by Benjamin Franklin. Many farmers are against it because the extra hour of daylight tends to burn their crops up. Arizona doesn't have it because they don't need to be any hotter in the summer.
I'M ON MY THIRD CHERRY COKE and SECOND HAMBURGER, TODAY
I just found out how to become a billionaire.
Warren Buffet, the richest man in the world, drinks five cans of Cherry Coke every day and his favorite meal is a Hamburger. He lives in the same house he bought 50 years ago for $31,500.
Ingvar Kamprad, the founder of IKEA, is the 7th richest man the world. He lives cheaply and invests his money back into his business. If he stays in a nice hotel, and happens to take a soft drink out of the pricey mini-bar, he replaces it before he leaves with a bottle that he buys for much less at a nearby store.
EVERYDAY IS XMAS IN THE CARGO HOLD
$31 million worth of valuables have disappeared from checked luggage on planes in the past three years since the TSA started its no-lock policy according to TSA figures.
An anonymous baggage handler claims to have never pilfered but has HEARD THINGS.
She says one way to get away with it is to rifle through a bag and then put it on the wrong plane headed to the wrong city. When they finally find the bag, nobody can pinpoint the scene of the crime.
SOMEBODY'S WATCHING ME
Have you ever wondered if someone was spying on you? Why would they do such a thing? What have they got on you so far?
This was once called paranoia.
Now, someone might be video recording you and getting ready to share it with the world.
A Harvard study claims that rhinotillexis is down 70%.
The decline is a result of people being afraid of showing up on YouTube because there are cameras everywhere. Rhinotillexis means- picking one's nose with one's fingers.
Political pundits on television hype the primaries more than Brent Musberger broadcasting a college Bowl game and are about as accurate as your local TV weatherman.
BUNDLE UP AL
More snow has fallen in North America this winter than in over 40 years. Several large cities had had over 100 inches of snow. The earth has cooled between .55 and .65 degrees in the past twelve months wiping out the earth warming over the last 100 years. The probable cause: activity of the sun. That's inconvenient.
Will Al Gore's AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH become the modern day REEFER MADNESS- a movie meant to issue a dire warning that is now a cult film that causes people to hoot and holler?
THANKS ETHANOL
To make ethanol they are using up more and more of the corn supply. This is causing the price of life's basics to skyrocket. The latest victim is a steak shortage at steak houses. Some are substituting Buffalo. Thanks Ethanol. Before steaks it was popcorn. The price paid to farmers jumped from 9 cents to 13 cents a pound. Movie theaters will be forced to raise their price to keep their 1000% profit margin. Thanks Ethanol. I saw a gallon of milk over $5 because they feed cows corn. Thanks Ethanol. The price of corn tortillas a staple source of protein for the poor in Mexico has doubled or tripled. Thanks Ethanol. Look what it has done to the cost of Moonshine. Thanks Ethanol.
MORE THANKS ETHANOL
Durum Wheat is being used to make ethanol. Durum Wheat is what they use to make pasta. So, the supply is being squeezed. They say pasta is Italy's national dish and the average Italian eats 62 pounds every year. The price of pasta in Italy is zooming up. Thanks Ethanol.
Everyone running for Congress for the first time wants and promises change. Every old SOB that has been in Congress for 30, 40, 50 years just wants to keep coming back and they let all the newly elected know real quick that they are
pip-squeaks that won't be changing anything.
Young voters are flocking to the primaries like never before. Could it be: Barack Obama is like the cool teacher at school; Hillary Clinton is like your mother's strident friend who was always at the women's group meetings in your living room?
WHO NEEDS THE DRIVE-THRU
Now, there is a 12 volt sandwich press that you can plug in and make grilled sandwiches in the front seat of your car. I hope that you park first.
HEALTH CARE NAZIS
In the news, government officials planning to force people to take care of themselves.
Hillary Clinton says that if she is president she may garnish wages to force workers to buy health insurance.
Some Mississippi legislators want to make it against the law for restaurants to serve obese customers. This would lead to black market to go orders.
Another group of killjoys think the Girl Scouts should not push their cookies on people because they are unhealthful. They don't even think it is all right to eat them in moderation instead of sitting there and eating a whole box.
GET YOUR TICKETS, NOW!!!
The New York Philharmonic visited the capital of North Korea for a historic concert and played Gershwin music before an audience of 1400 on Tuesday night. The concert was televised and seen by 1 million of the 22 million North Koreans lucky enough to know someone with a television and electricity. They were gathered around like the neighborhood coming to see the first TV on the block in 50s in the United States
Eric Clapton is considering the invitation to be the next westerner to give a concert in North Korea. Kim Jon Il's son and next in line is a big Eric Clapton fan because he is a GUITAR HERO fanatic.
IT'S TEN O'CLOCK WHERE IS KIM JON IL
This is a satellite photo of Korea at night. Notice the density of light in South Korea. North Korea shuts off the electricity at 9PM. There is only one bright dot in North Korea. Guess who lives there?
They love hot dogs in Sweden. There are stands everywhere selling Tunnebrod Rulleor. In Sweden, hot dogs and mashed potatoes are wrapped in flat bread. They usually wash it down with a chocolate drink called PUCKO. PUCKO is slang in Sweden for "idiot".
HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY
I have never accepted one penny of BLOGOLA. No one has ever offered me any.
GETTING PAID TO WATCH TV
Allen never misses the Academy Awards show on television because he makes millions of dollars from watching.
When you ask a winner of the Super Bowl what's next, he always says, "I'm going to Disney World". Where does the loser go?
I kept seeing tourism commercials for California and Florida. Then, one day I glanced up to see images on the TV of a forgotten destination the ad claimed was a vacation wonderland. Eureka. That's It.
NEBRASKA
THEY SHOULD'VE GOT 'EM LIQUORED UP
Have you ever wondered why it now costs over $100 million to run for president? Hillary Clinton's campaign spent $95,000 in Iowa to load up Caucus goers on cheap deli meat.
Politicians promise a vote for them is a vote for change. They promise to make you better off with policies that will make you worse off. Depending on the government to solve your problems is like being on the look out for a unicorn.
THEY BLOWED IT UP REAL GOOD
They successfully launched the missile and blew up the Spy Satellite which is the size of a bus, weighed 10 tons and was spiraling uncontrolled.
Space junk is constantly falling to earth. They say over 12 million pounds of it have fallen and no one has been killed, yet.
Your chance of winning the lottery is close to impossible and your chance of being hit by space junk is a million times less. The earth's surface is a little less than 200 million square miles and there are 27,878,400 square feet in a square mile. So, if you are standing in a 10 square foot box- that would be a 200 million x 2.8 million chance. You multiply it. That's 560 million plus a lot of zeros.
Of course, your car or house since they are bigger would have more chance.
I'M NOT DEAD YET. I FEEL HAPPY. I FEEL HAPPY. I QUIT.
--Fidel Castro
Fidel Castro has been saying he was not dead here at MBI for the past two years. Now, he is resigning as El Presidente. He may stop claiming to not be dead any day now.
PRESIDENT'S DAY SALE QUIZ #2
Who was president but was not elected president and ran for president twice after he was president and was not elected.
ANSWER--I won't tell you.
JUST A GOOD OL BOY
The Daytona 500 also known as the Great American Race is like the Super Bowl of Stock Car Racing and held every year in February.
NASCAR started for races between moonshine runners on their day off.
Moonshine runners would drive nondescript businessman type cars to look inconspicuous. They souped up the engines, reinforced the suspension,and put tanks in the trunk for their product. The tanks were outfitted to dump their load when being chased by the revenuers.
Of course, they had to prove who had the fastest car to each other. They formed the National Association of Stock Car Racing. For some reason, the cars were not plastered with ads
NASCAR groupies who hang over the chain link fence separating the stands from the track and vie for the driver's attention are nicknamed WAFFLE BELLIES
CALL THE MEN IN THE WHITE COATS. HE'S EATING SPAGHETTI FOR BREAKFAST
Dunkin Donuts is going to start selling Pizza and sandwiches to try to generate business after breakfast. A stock analyst who studies the restaurant business stated that "some people don't like to eat at the same place more than once a day." If Dunkin Donuts gains business in the afternoon they will lose some for breakfast. This is probably true. People are such creatures of habit- they have their morning place, lunch places and dinner places and seldom the twain shall meet. Also, they want breakfast foods for breakfast, but not later. Why are they breakfast foods? Initially they were things that can be prepared quickly and it became "just that's the way it is". If you want a hamburger for breakfast or pancakes for dinner you are an oddball.
WORST ADVERTISING IDEA EVER
Mamma Mia Pizza sells ads for the bottom of their pizza boxes.
This unfortunate ad may do wonders for the advertiser, but I don't believe Mamma Mia can expect much repeat business.
BAD IDEA Pizza Box
A CHEATER'S DAY THOUGHT
February 13th was CHEATER'S DAY- the day when the most unfaithful spouses get caught. Here's a quote in honor of the day:
Hillary Clinton has been cheated on more than a blind woman playing Scrabble with gypsies. ---Dennis Miller
DOLLAR STORE CRISIS
Doom. We're doomed. I visited the Dollar Store, today, and everything was no longer a dollar. It was now $1.09.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where the Dollar Store must now charge $1.09. What is Nancy Pelosi going to do about this? Hearings. A dollar store price freeze? What do the presidential candidates intend to do?
I demand to know! I demand action!
IF A POLICEMAN TELLS YOU TO FREEZE, YOU HAVE NO CHOICE
International Falls, Minnesota is called ICEBOX OF THE NATION. They just had their record low of -41 degrees.
I heard a TV weatherman say we might have some mild tornadoes.
MAD MAN THREATENS TO CUT OFF HIS NOSE TO SPITE HIS FACE
Venezuelan Mad Man Hugo Chavez is once again threatening to cut off oil exports to the United States. He gleefully warns the price will shoot up to $200 a barrel. The United States imports 1/9th of it's oil from Venezuela. The problem for Venezuelan Mad Man Chavez is he exports almost all his oil to the United States. We have the only refineries set up to refine his Venezuelan heavy crude that has the consistency of tar. He won't have anywhere else to immediately send his oil and his main source of income will disappear.
YOU THINK YOU'RE SO SMART
Mindset Media studied Mac users to determine their "mind-set profile". They found that Mac users feel superior and self satisfied. They are just like the smug Mac Guy in the commercials.
If they really put people in prison for lying to Congress, the place would be empty.
AHEAD OF HIS TIME
The PUPPY BOWL IV, which aired opposite the SUPER BOWL, featured puppies at play on a set made to look like a football stadium attracted 8 million viewers. The PUPPY BOWL averaged 1.1 million viewers at any one time.
I heard a story on public radio's THIS AMERICAN LIFE where the storyteller told of how her father came up with the PUPPY CHANNEL for cable tv in the 1980s. He made a pilot and composed a theme song. He believed it would be a great stress reliever and calming effect. He made pitches but couldn't get any cable honchos to bite.
In the early days of cable, which was mostly in small towns rebroadcasting the closest big city TV signals, they usually had a channel devoted to scanning weather gauges or maybe trained on a fish bowl.
QUESTS ARE GOOD
While you are on a quest, you will discover other good things that you may not have noticed and may have never imagined.
RUNNY NOSE CRISIS
Things can't just happen anymore. The news turns everything into a crisis. Democrat politicians always claim that it is the worst economy in a million years and everything that anyone can worry about is a crisis when they are trying to get back into office.
Too many people have taken their flu shots and cases of flu and colds are down 9%. This is causing a crisis in self health care. Kleenex sales are down 5%. Cold/allergy/sinus medications are also down 5%. Cough syrup down 16% and sore throat remedies are down 13%. Only chest rubs are up- 21% because of warnings against children's products.
Do your part to solve this crisis. Go outside without your coat or shoes. Even better go out in the cold with your hair wet. Don't cover your mouth or nose when you cough or sneeze.
ANOTHER CHILD STAR USED UP AND GONE WRONG
Knut, the famous polar bear, and Britney Spears have something in common. Fame has made them both mentally unstable. Like most child stars, he has grown into a gawky gangly teenager and is not cute anymore. He is no longer even solid white. He has a long raggedy dirty looking coat. Reminds me of a Nick Nolte arrest photo.
Knut's fame made the attendance at the Berlin Zoo soar. Over 2.5 million people came to see him. He was raised and coddled by human handlers. Now, he is too dangerous to interact with his handlers which is driving him crazy. He once made twice a day appearance to adoring fans. Now he is kept inside.
The Berlin zoo trademarked him and will continue to profit from his cute image.
But,
the handlers say that poor Knut is now a psychopath. He is addicted to humans. He will never be able to mate and is destined for a life of loneliness. Another washed up child star squeezed for what he was worth and abandoned.
CONSUME MASS QUANTITIES
The golden arches had a Super Bowl Day promotion of 50 Chicken Nuggets for $8.99.
I assume this is a quantity designed for parties.
For a few dollars more you can get a combo with two large fries and two large drinks. This seems designed for hogs. You and a gluttonous buddy could share 25 chicken nuggets a piece, a large french fry and a large drink and hope you don't explode. Market research must tell them that they will sell more than a few to folks that want to eat like a lineman. Don't fight over the last one.
Super Bowl Sunday comes in second only to Thanksgiving Day for food consumption. It is the #1 day for pizza sales.
WHO'S SITTING IN THE CATBIRD SEAT?
Hillary thought she was in the catbird seat. Tom Brady and the New England Patriots are sitting in one. Where did the notion of SITTING IN THE CATBIRD SEAT come from?
Baseball announcer Red Barber used the colorful phrase to describe a batter with a count of three balls and no strikes. The best position to be in. James Thurber wrote a short story called THE CATBIRD SEAT. There is a controversy as to who got it from whom. Barber said he heard it at a poker table in Cincinnati.
The expression probably originated from an area where catbirds live. Catbirds and their cousin mockingbirds head to the highest point in the yard to stake claim on it's territory. They sit up there and start loudly singing just before dawn during nesting season.
They just hauled Britney Spears off to the nervous hospital with a police escort and cleared airspace.
Time to revisit my movie pitch. I wrote it and it began appearing at mrbadideas.com over a year ago. Britney was a minor character in the famous girl out of control trio. Little did I know it may become a documentary:
MY BRITTANY PARAS LOHANN MOVIE PITCH
An old woman, named Brittany Paras Lohann who was once a famous singer-actress before she self destructed, is a recluse living alone in a house on stilts in the Louisiana swamp. Her fingertips are stained yellow from smoking unfiltered cigarettes and alligators are her only friends. Unknown to her, a half-wit lurks in the reeds watching. Is it her child, a relative,her only remaining fan, or an ex-husband? Snooping paparazzi who have ventured out to find her have mysteriously disappeared.
I COULDN'T BE A DELUDED WANNABE ON AMERICAN IDOL
AMERICAN IDOL has returned.
People who love me make me stop singing by the third note whenever I try. I never get past that note, so I don't know if I can sing or not. Maybe, I am great and nobody knows it because they haven't heard me sing a whole song. I might just start a little off. Maybe, if Simon could just hear me I could be a star.
CHEESEBURGER IN A CAN
The picture of the can is real. I don't think the burger really looks anything like this. It is an actual product sold in Germany to campers. You heat it by boiling the can.
Upon arriving in Viet Nam, Lt. Dan told Forrest Gump and Bubba the most important thing they needed to know was to constantly change their socks. Why? The fungus that causes "jungle rot" eats up socks, tents and anything cellulose.
You can make ethanol mixing the "jungle rot" fungus with agricultural waste- wood chips, stalks, etc. A start up company based in Illinois claims they can produce Ethanol made from wood chips for $1 a gallon. They are partnering with General Motors and are building processing plants that will be ready in 2-3 years.
This may save corn tortillas from becoming a luxury item.
A CROOK JUST CAN'T TRUST ANOTHER CROOK NOT TO BE A CROOK
Phishers in Morocco are giving away free phishing kits. Phishers are the spammers that send you email that looks like it is from a real company like Bank of America or PayPal so they can try to fool you into giving them personal information and steal your identity.
The free phishing kits contain hidden code that steals all the information the phisher with the free kits steals and sends it to the Moroccan phishers. So, the phishers are stealing phish from other phishers.
One way to prevent identity theft is to have an identity so bad that nobody wants to steal it.
A FEW WORDS FROM DR. FILL
The difference between men and women is men don't want to talk about their troubles and all that women want to talk about is their troubles.
I'M RUBBER AND YOU'RE GLUE
Some unnamed prominent politicians who may be running for president seem to operate on the fundraising principle of take the money and ask questions later. If anyone complains, give the money back and apologize.
Allen Raymond, a campaign operative who got snagged and was sent up the river, decided to spill the beans on dirty dealings in campaigns to help sell his book HOW TO RIG AN ELECTION. He takes it a step further. He says if a shady character wants to give you money- take it as long as they agree to also give a small contribution to your opponent. If your opponent tries to expose you for taking illegal funds you can say "hey, you took money from him, too."
FREE ENTERPRISE IS GREAT! SOCIALISM STINKS!
It is against the law in France for a store to sell a book at more than a 5% discount. Amazon is being fined by the French for offering FREE SHIPPING. They protect a few from evil price cutting doers by hindering the free market and making the customers (everyone else) suffer. Our politicians that spend too much time worrying about what the French think of us are the same ones that have it in for WAL-MART. Isn't government meddling great?
Socialism is easy to sell because of human nature. Socialism absolutely doesn't work because of human nature.
CAN'T BELIEVE I ATE THE WHOLE THING
CKE Restaurants, operator of Carl Jr's and Hardees, sales have grown 31% since 2000. How did they do it? By offering salads and other healthful alternatives. WRONG. They went the complete opposite direction by dishing out the biggest fattest burgers they could dream up.
Their latest gluttonous experiment didn't pan out. They tested it in 7 restaurants last summer. Executives said it tasted really good but
"some sandwiches are so unique that consumers can't wrap their heads around them."
They called it the JULY 4th BURGER and consisted of a huge beef patty topped with pickles, ketchup, mustard, potato chips, and a hot dog. A cookout on a bun. This is a Kid's Meal compared to stuff on the HAMBURGER PORNO PAGE
MITT ROMNEY MIGHT BE A REDNECK
If you go on vacation with your five children and you put your dog in a kennel with its own windshield strapped to the roof of your car and that dog has diarrhea and makes a mess all over the rear window so you can't see and you stop and hose it off then get back in your a car a keep driving down the road, YOU MIGHT BE A .....
WAIT TIL NEXT YEAR
January 15th was the day that 90% of the New Year's Resolutions have been given up on. There will be no wait for the exercise machines at the gym after that date.
JUST OK BOWL
They could not sell all of the seats at the first Super Bowl with Green Bay and Kansas City. Two college marching bands played at half time. There is no video record of the first two Super Bowls because the tapes were erased. They thought no one would ever want to see them again. Pete Rozell, the NFL commissioner wanted to call it THE BIG ONE. Kansas City Chiefs' owner Lamar Hunt thought of the name after watching his kids play with a Super Ball.
HALF TIME EXTRAVAGANZA
Tom Petty is the half time show at this year's Super Bowl. Former teen idols Paul McCartney and the Rolling Stones have performed in recent years. This was equivalent year-wise as if former teen idol Rudy Vallee had sung with his megaphone at the first Super Bowl.
IF A TREE FELL AT A KEVIN FEDERLINE CONCERT WOULD IT MAKE A SOUND?
Keven Federline starred in the #1 ranked celebrity ad from 2007 Super Bowl on the basis of volume, favorability and polarity according to Cymfony. His "Life comes at you fast" ad for Nationwide Insurance that starts with him rapping about riches and fame and ends with him working in a fast food restaurant created 8 times the marketing buzz as the next celebrity Super Bowl ads.
Also, it prompted outrage by the National Restaurant Association for making workers look bad. K-Fed's potential fast food career is finis.
LIKE IT OR LUMP IT
The current buzzword from politicians is CHANGE.
Nancy Pelosi has finally gotten to show her vision for Changing America. She has created her own little microcosm of government meddling by decree. It is the new House of Representative cafeterias- a part of her "Greening of the Capitol" plan. Some call it "feel good crap".
They serve politically correct food nobody really wants at prices higher than they want to pay. Food that Nancy and her minions have deemed good for you purchased from the correct sort of suppliers. The decor is a shrine to the "renewable earth" with plenty of sloganeering to ram down your throat. You must recycle in the sorting bins complete with detailed instructions. They now have biodegradable flatware, but you have to use a teaspoon to slurp your soup because the ecofriendly supplier doesn't make soup spoons.
The spokesman for the chief administrative officer that oversees the cafeteria (he needs a spokesman?) responded to complaints in typical way of anything run by bureaucrats-
"customers would have to change their behavior to accommodate the environmentally friendly products."
His response to complaints about the ecofriendly straws that melt in hot liquid: "Sip your coffee like a normal human being, we're trying to save the planet here."�
We're trying to get accolades from people that don't eat here, who cares what the customers think.
EVERYTHING MUST GO SALE
The British Prime Minister wants to change organ donation policy to stem the shortfall and save 1000 lives a year. He wants to adopt the system used by credit card companies when they change their deal on you. They will assume you agree unless you object. You will have to take your name off the donation register.
My favorite economist, Walter E. Williams, says there is an organs for transplant shortage because you are not allowed to sell them. The transplant waiting list would be much shorter if organs could be bought and sold. He states that to most loving families agreeing to bury their loved one without all of the parts they arrived with would be unthinkable. But, if there was money to be made some children would quickly reconsider and put all of dear old dad's parts on the block for the right price.
I'M MY OWN GRANDPA
Twins separated at birth recently found out they were married to each other. This is a rare. Here is advice for something that may not be:
If your mother visited the sperm bank before you were conceived and you are on the make forget asking "what's your sign?". You need to ask if they are a DONOR CONCEIVED PERSON. If they are then ask what is their father's donor identification number. You may be putting the moves on your brother or sister.
If your father made frequent deposits, you may have dozens or even hundreds of half brothers and sisters.
Expecting the government to solve a problem is the same as expecting to see a unicorn.
GIMME THE SWAG
The award show cancellations are causing a panic in Hollywood. Movie and TV stars can't get their swag.
At large film festivals and award shows there are rooms set aside where they can pick up their Bag of Swag. Swag is free stuff that marketers give away on the chance that the stars will be photographed wearing or using their stuff. Swag often includes expensive watches and invitations for free trips to exclusive resorts. Some bags of swag can total freebies worth $100,000. The promoters giving the swag think of it as cheap advertising. The IRS now considers it tax money.
St. Charles, Missouri is considering a bill to curb the rowdy dows in bars. There would be a law against cussing. Would this mean you would have to take it outside to stand with the smokers to swear? This could result in no sports on television in the bar.
The ban would also stop dancing on table tops and profane music, entertainment and literature. Patrons would not be allowed to read their copies of FANNY HILL or LADY CHATTERLY'S LOVER there anymore.
What's next? Policemen required to carry bars of soap? Not allowing you to throw things at the band behind the chicken wire?
TAKE TWO ASPIRIN AND CALL ME IN THE MORNING
Medical care and medical insurance were once inexpensive. It was inexpensive back when they couldn't do anything for you. Now, there are machines that will look into every inch of your insides. They can replace just about any part. They can do surgery on your heart and brain. They have medicines to maintain chronic illnesses. There are pills for the boudoir when a guy's hydrolics no longer work right. They can do so much for us that we can't afford it anymore.
I'VE GOT A GAL NAMED BONY MARONIE. SHE'S AS SKINNY AS A STICK OF MACARONI.
A barista (a person that makes the coffee concoctions- coffee jerk) at STARBUCKS is refusing to use their new term- SKINNY for drinks with low fat milk, sugar free syrup and no whipped cream. She says it will hurt the self esteem of employees and customers to hear SKINNY yelled out all day and SKINNY written on the cups.
The health department should be on the look out for tear drops in the coffee from spindly or big boned baristas.
FALLACY IS THE NEW TRUTH
Word experts recently made a Top 10 list of overused expressions. Included on the list was "is the new". For example: 70 IS THE NEW 50 or GRAY IS THE NEW BLACK. One wag chimed in FALLACY IS THE NEW TRUTH. Many people believe things are true that aren't so and common knowledge has become common ignorance. People believe the damndest things and the more outrageous the more likely they are to believe it- just look at Rosie O'Donnell.
THOMAS EDISON AND THE ELECTRIC CHAIR
January 4th was the 105th anniversary of the electrocution of Topsy the Elephant. Topsy went on a rampage and killed three people on Coney Island. They originally wanted to hang Topsy. Thomas Edison suggested electrocution. The event was witnessed by 1500 and filmed by Thomas Edison. The film was exhibited across the country as ELECTROCUTING THE ELEPHANT.
that urges serve penalties.
For example,
you better use its and it's correctly.
